Depression

Have you ever heard of Biorhythm? I blew it off as a hoax - my geek-friendly watch, telling me what my mood would be on any day in the future? Well, the cycle such a biorhythm follows seems to be matching my life quite depressingly well. It seems that in this world it is impossible to remain happy for long. I do hope the constant depression fades before I begin to ponder suicide again. I don't think I could ever face my brother in Heaven if I were to kill myself.

I have had some girl issues, mostly results of me thinking too much. It's a curse. I cannot sleep. It's more the loneliness and the hollowness which eats at me more than specifically the lack of relationship with some certain girl or other. I don't know. I am tired…

I had begun this year with optimistic and adventurous plans in mind, with more commissions I had signed up for, declaring to fans that I would begin to write more fanfiction, and, what the hell, even post some pictures I had photoshopped up on deviantART. Then suddenly this overbearing, exhaustingly heavy mood decides to shit all over my life August through now. I have done pretty much nothing. Three or four new chapters, one commision, one fanart piece completed. Not even a third of my projected productivity by October. I sit here with Radiohead numbing my senses wondering why life must be like this.

Most disturbing is that for the first time in over five years I have had a full week's hiatus from that Dream. It has been a week where She has not appeared to me in my subconscious. I thought the final end of her haunting would relieve me; I am left devastated. I have been abandoned even by my fantasies. Or have I abandoned them?