Almost 19

     One month from tomorrow, I’ll be 19 years old. The last teen year! I feel too old for my comfort. I’ve been so caught up with school that I don’t do the things I did as a kid. I feel like the time I realized that I was too old to walk around the house with a blankie - only, the feeling is magnified. I don’t watch weekend television; I can’t eat the same foods over and over before getting sick of it; I grow tired of learning new things at school because I feel I’m over my head already; life’s pleasant surprises grow less and life’s due dates grow more frequent.

     Two weeks left until the semester ends. I’m not sure what I want to do for my birthday. I’m thinking renting a good movie to watch at home with my friends, and then eat pizza. Something laid back, inexpensive, and comfortable. No more elaborate plans for balloons everywhere, cooking food for days and getting a huge setup together. I just want to hang out with my friends. Life is tiring and that would be nice. I can’t believe I’m almost 19. I still think about high school often. I have to say though, my emulation of high school schedules, with a morning to afternoon every weekday class setup, is really tiring. I actually prefer my first semester’s night classes.

     I’m pretty preoccupied with classwork. Projects, essays, studying for finals. I have a lot of creative projects yet on the backburner. I’ve got three animated typography music videos planned with the lyrics choreography laid out in my head. More blueprints for The Challenge photoshops on deviantART to come this summer. I’ll probably hammer those out on the laptop while in the Philippines when I have time. I want to get back into writing as well. I haven’t written anything good for my book in almost a year now. Just rantings and incoherent plot points with which I cannot jigsaw together for the life of me.

     I have a substantial amount of material spread across this universe I’ve thought up but it still feels flat, hollow. Without the life it had when the first character formed in my mind in fifth grade. I plan to write more fanfiction as a writing exercise to explore the characters of others and see what I can formulate based on the material I’ve also created. Maybe some oneshots or a short series will help. I really enjoyed writing the unfinished series I started years ago. I read back and see the horrible flaws in them, and shudder to think I rewrote those many times over until I could see no blemish. And now at this point in time I see so many more. Maybe it’s good, but I fear that if I finally finish the book now (as it is possible to do within a week), that if I publish it, it will look terrible to readers. I need to work at it more.

     I’ve decided now to change my major from Engineering to perhaps a double major in English and Psychology. I’m not sure. I want to pursue a double major, and perhaps work full time after that point while taking classes on the side for a doctorate. Depends on if I can get out of the burnout phase I’ll no doubt run into like a brick wall a couple years down the road. I feel like a time bomb, just feeding batteries into the clock to make sure it keeps ticking. Yet the longer it ticks the more anxiety I feel.

     The girlfriend has been a great help to my patience and sanity. Focusing on her needs or wants helps take my mind off my fears and self-expectations. At the same time, a relationship is work. I feel drained sometimes helping her out. It’s rewarding to see the tears stop flowing; at the same time, I have not vegged out in front of the computer for a full day in over a year. She’ll of course say I have, but she doesn’t know how big of a nerd I used to be compared to today.

     Two weeks left until semester’s end. Then, break and birthday, then a couple days after that, plane trip. When I get back, I have a summer class. I also need to apply for a job…