Life feels terrible

The only majors I can declare that my mom will accept must be in the fields of medicine or engineering. After struggling with math, engineering seems less of a dream and more of a nightmare. I have never had much desire to pursue medicine either. But of course, the collectivist parents care less for the effort or will of the son and more for the result and the image. I’ve wanted to pursue English for a while, and perhaps teach, maybe even abroad. Of course, such dreams are preposterous to my parents. Maybe I’ll have to fail med school or engineering school before they realize that I’m not only incapable but unwilling.

Then she turns around and says I must pick a major whose career would be a profession I’d enjoy. Oxymoron. “You should pick one you like… but you can’t pick this or that.” Not sure what to do anymore.

The struggles and failures of everyone around us are always made aware to me repeatedly at the dinner table, in the car, sometimes even yelled at me while I’m in the bathroom showering. “You have to have a goal.” But not that one. “You just made a mistake, now keep moving.” Look, he failed, now his life is ruined. “I am only trying to help you in your interests.” By helping my interests.

Doctor? Engineer? I’m going to a community college. God help me? It’s disheartening to be replied with silence.